Pretending I'm Okay
by starlight.moon.princess
Summary: You don't stop loving your family just because they hate. :: A series of letters from Lily to Petunia


_For Remi - I hope you like it! :)_

* * *

Nia,

Mary told me to let you go. Marlene agrees.

Maybe they're right. You told me you hate me – I doubt you'd ever even think about opening this. But I'm an optimist – that's what you always said, remember? So I'm writing this, and I'll send it, just in case.

Of course, this would be more useful if I actually knew what to say. Or even why I'm writing.

I just- I miss you, Nia. I have my friends, but it's not the same. No matter how close I am to them, how much they feel like a second family, they're not the ones who stopped me from trying to run away from home when I was nine. You are.

I can understand, I guess, why you hate me. Maybe if we were in each other's shoes, I'd feel the same. But we aren't, and I miss my sister.

I don't know if you'll ever reply, but-

I miss you.

* * *

That first letter is sent back to her, unopened. Marlene and Mary try all night to make her smile.

She falls asleep with the tear-tracks still fresh on her face.

* * *

Nia,

I missed you today.

I don't know if you know – I don't know if Mum and Dad ever talked about it in front of you, or you even listened when they did – but I graduated Hogwarts today. According to the wizarding world, I'm a fully-grown adult now.

I can almost hear you telling me that that doesn't mean that you'll treat me like an adult. That for you I'm still your baby sister until I turn eighteen.

I wish you'd been there today, with Mum and Dad. You promised you would be, when I first started Hogwarts.

I wish I was eleven again, and you didn't hate me.

* * *

_together with friends and family,_

_Lily Marie Evans_

_James Charlus Potter_

_request the honour of your presence as they join their hearts in marriage…_

A note accompanies the invitation:

Petunia,

I hope that maybe, you can put aside your hatred of me just for this one day.

I don't want to get married without my sister there. I don't want to get married with my best friend in all the world standing by my side as my matron of honour.

Just for one day, can't we please pretend that everything's alright? That _we're_ alright?

I love you Nia. I've never stopped loving you, and I never will.

I won't even say a word if you want to bring Vernon along. _Please_, Nia, just one day!

Just one-

* * *

Lily Evans and James Potter get married in a ballroom that is packed with people, Muggle and wizard, friends and family and acquaintances and people they barely know but are in the Order with.

There's a seat left empty on the bride's side, and there's no Matron of Honour standing beside Lily.

* * *

I know you don't want me around your son – Mum said you called him Dudley – but he's still my nephew. Even if I never see him in my life, you can't change the fact that I'm his aunt.

I know you wouldn't want any magical toys around your child, so I bought something that even you couldn't find fault with. I hope you'll open it, at the very least.

I love you, Nia. That's never changed, not in all the years since you told me that I wasn't your sister anymore. And I know that some part of you loves me too.

It's difficult to remember that, though, when you tell me over and over how much you hate me.

James thinks I shouldn't be writing to you anymore. That I should let you experience how it feels not to have you sister speak to you. But-

That first time, you sent my letter back unopened. I don't know if you're reading these any more than you did that one, but at least you don't send them back anymore. At least we've progressed that much.

Maybe this time you'll decide to keep the teddy bear for Dudley. I don't know, but I can always hope.

(And I know I shouldn't say this, not with things between us being as they are, but you know how I've always been. _Dudley_, Nia? _Dudley_? _What_ were you thinking? It reminds me of the kids that were always bullied in school, don't you remember? I hope you raise him to be a fighter, Nia, because that's the only way he's going to survive school with that name.)

I love you, Nia.

* * *

There's no letter this time, just a picture with a few words scribbled at the back.

It's Lily in the picture, holding a tiny newborn with head full of shocking wild black hair.

_I don't have the energy to write much more_, is scribbled at the back. _Giving birth is tiring exercise, even in the wizarding world. But I thought I'd sent you this – his name's Harry. Your first nephew, Nia! I hope you come around soon – I'd like him to grow up knowing you! I still love you – I always will!_

* * *

We have to go into hiding, Petunia. I can't get into here – I barely managed to convince everyone to let me send this letter – but I won't be able to write to you for some time now.

I wish I could tell you what was happening, but that would just put you in danger. Just – take care of yourself and Dudley, won't you? Be careful – there's a lot going on that you don't know about, and I don't want you to get caught up in it.

I love you, Petunia. I'll write once everything's safe – maybe by then you'll be ready to forgive me.

* * *

_Dear Mrs Petunia Dursley, _

_I sincerely regret to inform you that last night, your sister and brother-in-law, Lily and James Potter were attacked and killed in their home at…_

The rest of the letter is torn to pieces.

* * *

Lily,

I wish I'd written back.

I do love you – I always will. But I guess you already knew that.

I'll take care of him, in whatever way I can.

I love you.

* * *

**As always, I hope you guys liked this! Please don't forget to drop a review on your way out :)  
**


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